I’ve experienced this same theme of being the female caregiver in our family with little or no support from my brother. I think it speaks to a deep disconnect in our current value systems. Somehow we haven’t taught our boys to be caregivers and have instead relied on our girls to fill in that roll. Nor have we taught our boys to value, appreciate, and hold in high esteem the women in their families who naturally end up taking on that role. And at the same time we are teaching our girls that they should deny their natural caregiving tendencies and try and be more like men. Something is distinctly wrong here. I don’t know the answer; it’s just what I’ve lived and observed—I’m grappling with this myself. The role of caregiver is one that women take on more naturally and selflessly, often at great cost to themselves. But it is a at the same time a role that needs to be filled and is a beautiful gift of love to the world. How do we balance this out? The other thing I’ve observed is that these family members who don’t contribute are often the most stubborn in their adherence to the system. Note: this is not a post against one gender or the other. Just an observation.
Agree. My cousin is in assisted living. She has two sons right here, but her daughter (who lives in another state) and I watch out for her and make sure she has what she needs. Who does she love? The boys. The boys who should be man enough to take care of their mom.
Since my generation on, the man child has not been taught to cherish the responsibility of family. There are always exceptions, but for the most part it’s true
This happened to me as well. I know how you feel. I gave them the opportunity to face up to reality, and because they did not, I had to cut them loose. It took me 10 years to stop being angry. Now I barely think of them at all. It is a tragedy, but I live in a place called reality and they choose not to live in that place. In doing this, I lost everything - my culture, history, and connection to the past. But I cannot live a lie. My home is in heaven with Jesus Christ.
This story is beautifully written. I love your strength and resolve for your Mom. I hope, if you haven’t already, that you are able to forgive your brother for your own sake and heart. And, I hope you are able to get through to him one day. May God Bless and Keep you because He loves you more than absolutely anyone or anything else!💕❤️
For most people it is safer to live inside the world we create to protect us. I have a sister like that. She smiles from inside her own world at everyone outside. She doesn’t know she’s in there; but if she did she would say it’s okay, I like it in here.
When my mother died, my brother thanked us (we four girls) for taking care of Mom for him. He said that was something he could never do. He was right. When he was dying of cancer he could barely stand to let his wife care for him. He couldn’t stand the feeling of helplessness-not being able to stop Mom’s disease and not being able to stop his own disease. Also, I think, there was an element of grief over the loss of dignity-both Mom’s and his.
Two very strong points - loss of dignity and the helplessness leads to damping down the sorrow and anger and frustration created = the denial wall to hide behind.
Buried underneath denial are the true emotional responses.
Unchecked, the rage, fear, and shame at what was done to us, and how poorly we responded, is poisoning us. All of us have to deal with it, but those who refuse to even acknowledge the crime will, as you say, be so easy to manipulate.
What will this demon of suppressed feeling do when it tears its way into the world? The only answer I can think of is war.
I find the collective denial even more shocking than the collective fear that beset people during the height of the fake pandemic. There is also a collective amnesia in progress. I was speaking to several women recently and I brought up the tyranny of the Covid years. (It was particularly brutal here in Melbourne where we have the dubious distinction of enduring the world’s longest lockdown.) One woman (young) said she had forgotten all about it. I could hardly believe my ears. Another woman a psychologist, middle aged) said, “I don’t really think about it. It is just something that happened and life flows on.” As an awake friend said after I told her about this exchange, “Yes, it flows along all right, straight into tyranny.” I feel a mix of extreme frustration, fury, and bewilderment that so many people still have not the slightest clue of what went down these past four years.
I hear of this type of thing often. Brothers, sisters refusing to help their siblings care for an ill family member. Many times it is selfishness-- their life is more important than yours or that of the ill family member. I think I know you and your mother. You are kind, compassionate, helpful. I can't imagine your brother drifted far from his upbringing. It sounds like he is not strong enough to deal with sickness, death and the like. This type of person just cannot function in the face of adversity. It is often accompanied by denial of the situation. If you feel that this was the case with your brother, bury the hatchet. Give him a call. You'll both feel better.
I’ve experienced this same theme of being the female caregiver in our family with little or no support from my brother. I think it speaks to a deep disconnect in our current value systems. Somehow we haven’t taught our boys to be caregivers and have instead relied on our girls to fill in that roll. Nor have we taught our boys to value, appreciate, and hold in high esteem the women in their families who naturally end up taking on that role. And at the same time we are teaching our girls that they should deny their natural caregiving tendencies and try and be more like men. Something is distinctly wrong here. I don’t know the answer; it’s just what I’ve lived and observed—I’m grappling with this myself. The role of caregiver is one that women take on more naturally and selflessly, often at great cost to themselves. But it is a at the same time a role that needs to be filled and is a beautiful gift of love to the world. How do we balance this out? The other thing I’ve observed is that these family members who don’t contribute are often the most stubborn in their adherence to the system. Note: this is not a post against one gender or the other. Just an observation.
Agree. My cousin is in assisted living. She has two sons right here, but her daughter (who lives in another state) and I watch out for her and make sure she has what she needs. Who does she love? The boys. The boys who should be man enough to take care of their mom.
Since my generation on, the man child has not been taught to cherish the responsibility of family. There are always exceptions, but for the most part it’s true
This happened to me as well. I know how you feel. I gave them the opportunity to face up to reality, and because they did not, I had to cut them loose. It took me 10 years to stop being angry. Now I barely think of them at all. It is a tragedy, but I live in a place called reality and they choose not to live in that place. In doing this, I lost everything - my culture, history, and connection to the past. But I cannot live a lie. My home is in heaven with Jesus Christ.
❤️❤️❤️
This story is beautifully written. I love your strength and resolve for your Mom. I hope, if you haven’t already, that you are able to forgive your brother for your own sake and heart. And, I hope you are able to get through to him one day. May God Bless and Keep you because He loves you more than absolutely anyone or anything else!💕❤️
I’m sorry, sweetie.
For most people it is safer to live inside the world we create to protect us. I have a sister like that. She smiles from inside her own world at everyone outside. She doesn’t know she’s in there; but if she did she would say it’s okay, I like it in here.
When my mother died, my brother thanked us (we four girls) for taking care of Mom for him. He said that was something he could never do. He was right. When he was dying of cancer he could barely stand to let his wife care for him. He couldn’t stand the feeling of helplessness-not being able to stop Mom’s disease and not being able to stop his own disease. Also, I think, there was an element of grief over the loss of dignity-both Mom’s and his.
Two very strong points - loss of dignity and the helplessness leads to damping down the sorrow and anger and frustration created = the denial wall to hide behind.
On some level I admire their commitment to insanity.
Such an important perspective you've shared here.
Buried underneath denial are the true emotional responses.
Unchecked, the rage, fear, and shame at what was done to us, and how poorly we responded, is poisoning us. All of us have to deal with it, but those who refuse to even acknowledge the crime will, as you say, be so easy to manipulate.
What will this demon of suppressed feeling do when it tears its way into the world? The only answer I can think of is war.
It seems that we are headed toward war. Definitely chaos.
Beautifully written and very thought-provoking. I think you are exactly right about the denial factor.
It's hard to deny
The truth shall set you free!
Oh, denial. Not just a river in Egypt.
I find the collective denial even more shocking than the collective fear that beset people during the height of the fake pandemic. There is also a collective amnesia in progress. I was speaking to several women recently and I brought up the tyranny of the Covid years. (It was particularly brutal here in Melbourne where we have the dubious distinction of enduring the world’s longest lockdown.) One woman (young) said she had forgotten all about it. I could hardly believe my ears. Another woman a psychologist, middle aged) said, “I don’t really think about it. It is just something that happened and life flows on.” As an awake friend said after I told her about this exchange, “Yes, it flows along all right, straight into tyranny.” I feel a mix of extreme frustration, fury, and bewilderment that so many people still have not the slightest clue of what went down these past four years.
bewilderment is the perfect word
I hear of this type of thing often. Brothers, sisters refusing to help their siblings care for an ill family member. Many times it is selfishness-- their life is more important than yours or that of the ill family member. I think I know you and your mother. You are kind, compassionate, helpful. I can't imagine your brother drifted far from his upbringing. It sounds like he is not strong enough to deal with sickness, death and the like. This type of person just cannot function in the face of adversity. It is often accompanied by denial of the situation. If you feel that this was the case with your brother, bury the hatchet. Give him a call. You'll both feel better.