Turbo Cancer: Day 85 - September 4, 2022
Shortness-of-Breath
On this day, last year, my mom wrote:
“Just like clockwork, last evening, I started having shortness of breath. Temp- 99.5, slept well. A bit dizzy trying to get around. A little better today.
I think I’ll sleep a lot today. Very tired.
Grateful for mild side effects. Thank you, God, for every day.
Burning skin a little better, with increase in Gabbapentin.
“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”- Melody Bealtie.”
On this day, last year, I wrote:
“Chemo was Friday. The effects are similar to last time, but a little less severe. The biggest discomfort seems to be strong heartburn that makes it hurt to breathe deep. My mom had the same experience before. We know it is only temporary. “
After the previous chemo, my mom experienced what she described as heartburn. The heartburn led to shortness of breath. It was concerning. I called the doctor and he recommended antacid.
Within forty-eight hours, the heartburn subsided.
My mom had now had another round of chemo, and the “heartburn” was back.
At the time, when speaking to my mom, she described it, aloud, as heartburn. In her journal, she described it as shortness of breath.
My mom was feeling all of these things happening to her from the inside. I was observing from the outside.
I thought I knew exactly what my mom was experiencing, but we can never fully know one another. Not really.
There are always parts that are camouflaged. We have secrets to protect. We build tiny prisons where we hide the most innocent and vulnerable pieces of our spirit.
The bits that have been hurt.
We keep them, locked away, where nobody can see.
My mom’s journal exposed more pain and fear than she displayed in person.
Although my mom downplayed her symptoms, I was concerned. She had had trouble breathing after her last chemotherapy treatment. She was having trouble breathing again.
Something wasn’t right.
I tried to rationalize my worries away. I pretended to accept the premise that this was post-chemo heartburn, and that it would fade on its own. I pretended to go along with the explanation of heartburn, because I didn’t want to scare my mom.
I didn’t want to take her to the hospital.
She didn’t want to go to the hospital - ever again.
So, on this day, last year, we spent the day in bed, together.
While my mom was awake, we binge-watched “The Great Pottery Throwdown” on HBO.
While my mom was asleep, I watched her breathe.
Each and every shallow breath,
I watched,
As if it were her last.
Bless you with a deep faith that your brave mom is resting in the arms of our Lord. I am very sorry for your loss but admire you bringing truth to her battle. Praying Jesus please send us a love of truth! Praying for revival for believers to stand against chaos and destruction of human life. Praying we acknowledge our business to love God with all our heart and to love others as we love ourselves. It is impossible to love others if we cannot recognize what love is. God bless you, Amen.