Steven

One of the 100,000 fentanyl deaths in 2022

In 2022, my oldest son died of a fentanyl overdose. After over ten years of addiction, he and I had a very complicated relationship. It is very hard for me to talk about- it is very hard for me to even think about, and a lot of the time I want to just let myself fall into a dark hole where I can just sit in the pain of my grief- forever.

Then I remember that, in the year that Steven died, 100,000 parents in America also lost their babies to fentanyl overdose.

Apparently, I was blessed with a talent for putting my pain onto paper, and I am told that doing so can help other people. Perhaps, in the process, I will find a way to forgive myself for losing my son.

Every morning, when I am still half asleep

There is a beautiful moment

For one moment, I forget

I forget about the hard times

I forget about my mistakes

I forget the your years of suffering

I forget how addiction tore everything apart

Then I wake up

And I remember

I remember watching you being replaced by the poison you kept pouring into your veins

I remember how I couldn’t understand

I remember how I couldn’t cope

I remember how I couldn’t help you

I remember how I couldn’t save you

I remember how, in my pain and in my weakness, I pushed you away.

I remember how I stood by, helpless, while the world tore you to shreds.

There is a moment

Every morning

When I am still half asleep

There is a moment

When you are still here

Still beautiful

Still whole

Still innocent

Still looking forward to the great adventure that is life

I am grateful for every moment I had with you

My greatest love

And I am sorry

That I couldn’t hold on tighter