Turbo Cancer: Day 177 - December 5, 2022
On This Day, Last Year, I Wrote
On this day, last year, I wrote:
This is all happening too fast. For the past two days, my mom has been comfortable, cheerful and asking to visit with friends. Right now, she is in unbearable pain. I am here, next to her, waiting for a hospice nurse to call back.
That is how this whole thing has been: promises of relief, followed by short periods of joy and hope, and then, agonizing crashes. It has been too fast - impossible to catch.
My mom has always been a caretaker (at least for as long as I have known her). She has always been willing to love any human, regardless of their flaws and shortcomings. She has done this quietly, without fanfare. I never noticed the impact that kindness has on the world, until my mom got sick. All of the people whom she had touched came forward with a helping hand, and a story of what she had done for them.
People keep telling me what a wonderful job I am doing with my mom, but I don’t deserve any credit. The events of my life brought me to a point where I was emotionally and physically ready for this test, at this time. As I see it now, the hardships of my past were always preparing me for today. This was always a part of the plan.
In addition, my mom’s illness came at the exact time when I had become open to accepting God as the one and only true authority over me and my life. During the pandemic, I was forced to choose between faith and so-called science. I chose faith.
Henceforth, I will choose faith.
God did not save my mom from her suffering, but he did give her someone to help carry her through. If I have been an angel, it is because he sent an angel to inhabit me. It is not I who deserve the credit.
Several days ago, I came to a point where I did not think that I could do this any longer. I felt desperate. I cried out for help. I stood alone in my living room, screaming to the air: “I need somebody to help me!”
I know that God heard my prayers, because he sent reinforcement.
My Aunt Lenore spent the night which, I know, was so hard. Margaret and Trevor dropped everything, to come and stay for a week. We started receiving gifts such as meals, ice cream, and beautiful Christmas flowers. Jessica, who has been blessing us with delicious food for months, is now arranging daily deliveries from my mom’s faith sharing group.
My mom has her angels everywhere.
Until yesterday, she had been able to get up to use the bathroom. It became more and more difficult. We needed strong young men to lift her. I am forever grateful to the strong young men, who were up to the task. I imagine that, in many ways, it was extremely difficult.
Now, the pain has returned, and we are waiting for some hope of relief. She is slowing down. She has fought to keep her independence, but she can no longer get up.
And then, there is Margaret, who has suddenly become a woman in my eyes. Margaret came and took on the most difficult tasks, with a grace that, at my age, I still do not possess. I did not know my niece at all until the past few days. She is a strong, stoic, elegant, warrior woman. Until Friday, December 2, 2022, I believed her to be a fragile girl.
At the moment, my mom is fluctuating between sleep and pain. There is not much that I can do now. I just sit by quietly, reminding her that I am here.
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"During the pandemic, I was forced to choose between faith and so-called science. I chose faith."
This is everything. ^^^^^^^^
Faith. Jesus continually spoke of Faith. Yes. You have to consciously choose Faith. You have to choose that there is a God who made the human race. A God who will supply us with all our needs, even though life will be hard.
I choose Faith over human ego (The so-called science). My life has never been more peaceful even though I still have mounting earthly problems. God has my back as long as I praise him and have Faith.
I’ve been reading your Substack as well as a few others. One of my favorite other stacks just posted this and I thought I might pass it along, as I know any information that comes available, can help confirm what you already know and lived through. In some way, though these things are painful to read, maybe they help with healing.
https://open.substack.com/pub/wmcresearch/p/the-spike-protein-binds-to-cd4-t?r=1ltgyi&utm_medium=ios