Turbo Cancer: Day 106 - September 25, 2022
The Hand of God
On this day, last year, my mom wrote:
Yesterday, dear Penny was here to visit. Chicken Tortilla Soup! Mmmmmm đ.
Kristi and Milan came around 4 pm. She is still very raw and closed up with her emotions. In her own time, she will heal. Maybe a grief group? Online? Too soon to suggest.
Me - have lots of bandages now. Maybe that will make it dry up. đ. Back hurts. Will try lidocaine.
I remember many of the days of my momâs illness with absolute clarity. I have flashbacks of happy moments, sad moments, sweet moments, funny moments, difficult moments, and painful moments.
However, I do not remember any of the moments of this day, last year.
I donât remember Penny coming to take care of my mom. I have no idea what I was doing, with my husband, until 4 pm. I canât recall the evening, or what I did while I was at my momâs house.
The brain is like that. When trauma and stress become too intense, the emotion and thought centers disengage. In extreme moments of shock, we exist only physically and spiritually. Without the protection of the brain, the soul becomes vulnerable.
I was going through the motions of living, without consciousness.
My son had died, and my mom was dying. I was unable to process that information in real time. I had lost all sense of reality.
I had worked hard, throughout my life, not to allow myself to sink into a pit of hopelessness. On this day, I was in free fall.
My mom had written about Steven: âWe all did all we could, but he wasnât able to take the hand of God.â
Godâs hand is always there, all you have to do is take it. That lesson that has been taught since the beginning of time. It is a lesson that humanity moves farther and farther from learning. It is as if there existed a dark and deceptive force, keeping us from recognizing the truth.
This is a fallen world, filled with temptation. Everywhere you look, there is a new drug, or food, or product, or agency, or ideology, promising to provide an easier, happier, and better existence.
These are always empty promises. Tragedy occurs. Pain happens. Everyone dies. The negative aspects of life are unavoidable.
Human beings have power over all of the innovation and technology in the world. We do not, however, have power to stop sadness. We do not have the power to eradicate illness or to prevent death. There is no end to human suffering.
Suffering is a part of living. The pain of life exists. Therefore, it is one of the reasons to live. The hardest part of life will either force us to develop and mature, or it will destroy us. People spending time on earth trying to avoid struggle waste their life.
Happiness is great, and happiness absolutely does exist, but it is not the goal of existence. It is one of the many benefits of existence, but not the goal. Happiness is wonderful, and I am grateful for every joyful experience that I have had, and I hope for more joy in the future. However, it has been the hard stuff that has made me strong.
The hard stuff has broken me, and it has made me strong.
This day, last year, was one of the hardest days of my life.
I was falling, and there was nothing on earth that could catch me. I couldnât think. Logic wouldnât save me. I couldnât feel. Emotion couldnât guide me.
It was as if my spirit had been under attack. There was darkness everywhere. I could hear evil laughter. I could feel shadowy, festering tendrils surrounding my body, attempting to infect my exposed and vulnerable soul.
I have been a sinner. In that dark moment, I did not deserve mercy. I have made many poor decisions. I have made many mistakes. In my life, I have done wrong things, knowing that what I was doing was wrong.
Woman is created to be a mother. The purpose of a mother is to nurture and protect her children. A mature mother provides stability and predictability. A brave mother recognizes evil, and instills in her children the necessary strength to stand firm in the face of darkness. A wise mother points her children in the direction of God and light.
In this, I had failed.
In the most important job of my existence, I had failed.
I did not deserve mercy.
However, as I was falling into the darkness, I could still see light. My mom was suffering and dying, but she was glowing. While feeling overwhelmed by heartbreak, I could feel Godâs hand, right there, in front of me. I understood that He was offering to carry me through.
My choices were to reach out and take the hand, or to continue falling. I had watched my mom remain calm and rational, while experiencing unbearable pain. The only explanation was her absolute faith.
I had to choose. I could grab onto God, or I could continue to fall.
Grabbing the hand of God requires us to deny our egos. So very hard to do. We are taught to stand on our own two feet. We are not taught to reach for God when we are standing.
Kristi, I just want to let you know that you are the only person who has accurately written about how I feel, and have felt, for a very long time.
Even I have not been able to write about how I feel, because I do not like to write about myself. You have given me an immense gift, because this is currently crushing me, and I do not have the words.
But you do.
I knew there was a reason why I found you.